Setting Personal Boundaries Benefits All!
The first time I read about developing personal boundaries my feelings were very mixed. Immediately, I felt they were designed to put a wall around me so others would know what was unacceptable to me. In other words, if you wanted to seriously engage with me, you had to play by my rules. So, initially I equated personal boundaries with selfishness; not being sensitive to the feelings of others.
Needless to say, after learning a lot more about personal boundaries I can say with complete certainty my initial instincts were very wrong!
I now believe, for family caregivers there are few practices that will positively affect your daily lives more than having health boundaries in your life!
In her New York Times Best Seller, Boundary Boss, Terri Cole describes personal boundaries as the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. These are built on what is and what is not OK with us. They are our preferences, limits and deal breakers. Having healthy personal boundaries means knowing ourselves and honoring our feelings. Conversely, when we do not assert healthy boundaries we are essentially giving up the right to choose and our personal power.
Reading this description, I am sure you agree there is little that appears unreasonable. We all have likes and dislikes about the way we treat and are treated by others. Right? Of course! However, unless we thoughtfully go through a process of clearly identifying what these likes and dislikes are and why and then communicate them to others, it is nearly impossible to have these important boundaries work for you and the people in your life.
As logical as this all sounds, in my experience, family caregivers have problems creating personal boundaries not because they are resistant but more because they are internally conflicted. Let me explain.
Family caregivers have a tendency to take on tremendous amounts of personal responsibility for their loved one's care. This can also come with a belief that no one can deliver care better than them, therefore, asking for help is not an automatic reflex. Over a sustained period, this mindset can lead to high stress levels, feeling overwhelmed, deep resentment and ultimately personal burnout.
Family caregivers carrying this mindset, can unknowingly be contributing to their problems. The GREAT news...you can not only correct this but by creating healthy boundaries this will begin to liberate you, now!
Without oversimplifying personal boundaries building, the following four considerations will help you better navigate the boundary development process.
1. Where Inner Conflicts Begin
We are raised with many rules that are not our own. As children, in an effort to teach us and develop personal values, we are told and witness behavior by our origin family, teachers, etc. on how to behave and think about situations. This is fine, but, as we grow older if we don't give ourselves permission to exert our own thoughts it can be a path for ongoing inner conflict... Be aware of this. Create your own rules and values based on your specific needs. Embrace your personal power!
2. Beware of Mindreading
I have fallen into this rabbit hole so many times family members and good friends send me carrots on my birthday!
Family caregivers taking on the significant responsibility for a loved one's care can run themselves into the ground physically and emotionally. This can lead to a feeling of resentment for our loved ones, family members and even friends because we feel they should know better. Really? There is a very good chance these folks have little idea about what your expectations are and how their actions are affecting you... Don't expect others to read your mind about your rules, values and feelings unless you clearly and calmly discuss them!
3. Take a Resentment Inventory
A Resentment Inventory?? Yup! As Terri describes, when setting our boundaries, it is important to understand our preferences, limits and deal breakers. We have had a lifetime to learn what mindsets and actions are welcomed and those that we reject. While both are important in developing empowering boundaries, being able to articulate the actions we truly resent is an essential step... Take time to thoughtfully understand how the behavior of others align or conflict with your emotional needs. This is your choice. List to them, commit to them and act on them!
4. Communicate with a Caring Mindset
Once you establish your boundaries unless you effectively communicate them to others the process is very incomplete. When communicating with others, use this as an opportunity to also understand their needs. Personal boundaries are not a stiff arm to others. In fact, effective boundaries come from a place of kindness and love not meanness or selfishness... The way we convey our boundaries makes all the difference. Be honest, clear, open and convey the desire to make your relationships with others better for everyone!
When going through the boundary development process, I highly recommend visiting Terri Cole's website. It is filled with valuable information to help guide you through the development considerations and process.
I am confident embracing healthy personal boundaries will enrich your life on many levels, giving you the reality that what you feel matters and returning your personal power where it belongs... With You!
Help yourself. Help others.
