When Saying NO is Your Best Answer!
To develop a positive action, we must develop a positive vision… Dalai Lama
Said another way…See it. Believe it. Act it. Achieve it!
As family caregivers, nowhere is this mindset and discipline more important than when setting personal boundaries, the limits we set for ourselves concerning what we do and do not accept or tolerate from others. However, to me the pivotal limit is what we accept and don't accept for our own personal boundary behavior.
In her book, Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free, Best-selling Author and Life Coach Nancy Levin, clearly states that setting our engagement rules are very personal between "me and me". This should be a liberating mindset.
Speaking with family caregivers one of the biggest hurdles they encounter, nearly on a daily basis, is being pulled in many directions at the same time. Naturally, when this occurs a caregiver's personal needs become subordinate to others, resulting in physical and emotional stress. So, what is a solution to help family caregivers create better life balance and achieve more of the life they desire, even while taking on caregiving responsibilities? Learning to say NO when your limits are crossed!
I can hear it now, Victor easier said than done. Perhaps, but it is solely within your personal power to make this decision. When we give up our personal power and become recipients of others wants and needs, we can easily slip into a "blame and victim" mentality. However, this will lead to an absolute no-win situation. You will be miserable and overtime this will result in feeling resentment and anger towards those who unknowingly are crossing your boundaries (limits). Sound familiar?
The following steps will help you begin taking back your personal power. You will better understand the tradeoffs you are making specific to your needs, along with the adjustments necessary to help you achieve a healthier life balance and ensure when going forward your needs become your priority.
Honestly evaluate if you are boundaryless in your relationships with others, including the loved one in your care. If this is the case, list the personal consequences this has had on you.
You are not the emotional keeper for others. Commit to stop trying to manage the experience of someone else. Write down examples when you have tried to make the experience of others OK, at your own expense. How did this make you feel?
OK, and this is a biggie, think about the emotional payoff you may be getting by saying yes to the requests of others, regardless of how it may affect you. Do you like being the problem solver, the person others depend on, the hero and savior or the go-to person? Does this trade off lift your self-esteem or reinforce the values you learned as a child and still hold on to? Do the positives over shadow your day-to-day health and emotional well-being. Remember only desire makes you constantly say "yes" when you want to say no.
Taking a step back, create a vision of what you want your life to be, especially in your interactions with others. Write down your new personal boundaries, (those limits of what you will not do, accept or tolerate from others). Over the next day or so, revisit these until you are satisfied and willing to act on them!
With an understanding of your new boundaries, develop a plan to clearly communicate your boundaries to people in your life, including the loved one in your care.
Does this process guarantee a successful outcome? This greatly depends on you. However, I am confident with some work you will create the life you desire!
Nancy Levin has a terrific equation for change...Change = Vision+Choice+Action.
This is your opportunity to take a step back and develop a vision for the type of interaction with others you will find empowering and personally satisfying. Remember, this is solely your choice. So, please work through the recommended steps, make your needs your priority and accept at times saying "NO" will be the best answer to increase your personal joy!
Help yourself. Help others.
