Keys for Parents Safety

A question I am asked several times a month is, "What is the best way to approach my parent about the possibility of no longer driving."  Given the higher levels of accidents and fatalities in people over 70 years of age and the possible harm to others, this concern is absolutely understandable.

There are not many issues that raise so many emotional triggers, including a parent feeling their independence is being taking away, a possible lack of self-esteem, and the role reversal between an elderly child and parent. At the end of the day, please remember you are taking away your parent's car keys, perhaps just like they may have done when you were a teenager.  However, unlike the teenage you, in this case, your parent hasn't done anything wrong—they just have gotten older, and have begun experiencing issues that can come along with senior age.

I believe the best way to address this sensitive topic is to begin with what prompted the child to initiate this discussion, especially when considering an elderly child is only too happy to embrace their parent's independence including safely driving their car. 

If an elderly child begins to notice their parent having physical issues such as:

·      Feeling depressed or anxious

·      Having episodes of confusion

·      Having memory issues

·      Changes in their walking

·      Increase in agitation

·      Decreased vision acuity

·      Easily distracted

Or, issues specific to driving including:

·      Small accidents

·      Getting tickets

·      Getting disoriented on familiar routes

·      Trouble reading road signs

This opens up the need to have discussions with a parent about their driving steadiness.  In my opinion, at this point, the very least intervention is for the child to personally observe their parent's driving practices. 

If the child determines it is necessary to speak to their parent about making a decision to possibly no longer drive, it is recommended to:

·      Plan on this being more than a one-time discussion

·      Plan out your discussion versus speaking off the top of your head

·      Determine who in the family is best to speak with parent 

·      Make every attempt to have parent be an equal part of the discussion

When starting the conversation, it is good to be caring and factually accurate in your comments, such as "(Mom or Dad) I noticed lately that you seem to be more distracted and a little less focused than usual.  Is everything OK?” Then transition the discussion to determine how they are doing overall, and address the concern you have about their health and safety, and how it may be affecting their driving.

Based on the observations and initial discussion, there are basically two paths to follow: (1) a parent is having some physical challenges, but the child believes she/he is still capable of safely driving, or (2) there is enough evidence and concern to make the child feel it is time for parent to stop driving.

With path 1, I recommend still having a respectful discussion about the importance of keeping an ongoing conversation addressing health and driving safety. And, the child should keep what I call vigilant oversight going forward. It is important to be proactively on top of the situation versus reacting AFTER an incident!

With path 2, as you can imagine, there is a lot more work to do and consider for a "good-for-everyone" result.

Gang, I have had this conversation with my mom and Jill's mom.  Each conversation was very different, but shared one thing—a very empathic and patient tone.  Over the course of several conversations, the end results of both were great. Parents realized they were having some difficulties, and in each case were very concerned about possibly harming someone else. (Please know, there were points during our discussions when I thought that "someone else" was going to be ME.)

Please be prepared, for all the reasons I stated above, this conversation can become a bit defensive at first.  This isn't a problem...it's life.  Allow your parent to state their feelings. And, don't get caught up in a tit-for-tat argument.  Hell, if you were in their position, would you behave differently?

Before even starting the conversation, it is best to get the proverbial ducks in a row. Consider the following:

·      Contact your parent's physician and speak with them about specific concerns with respect to your parent's driving a car. (Be warned some physicians do not want to get involved in this discussion). If they are open to possibly having a conversation with your parent, know what they are going to say BEFOREHAND.

·      If you and/or another family member or friend have observed problems in a parent's driving, be prepared to respectfully raise these observations with parent.

Once a child has done their upfront homework and has had conversations with their parent, these should be an underlying messaging thread throughout...a parent needs to believe that this is all about keeping them and others safe, and not any attempt of taking away their independence. As a result, it is essential to demonstrate every effort will be made to accommodate their transportation needs, including:

·      Arranging rides with family and friends

·      Helping them becoming more acquainted with public transportation

·      Hire a car service for specific times each week

·      Use of on-demand ride sharing services such as Uber

·      Schedule rides with local volunteer services for seniors

When a parent clearly realizes the alternative transportation options available to them, together with a child's and family's concern about her safety (and the safety of others), hopefully, some of the sting of this situation will be reduced!

There is one more step in the process—stay in close contact with your parent, especially during the first few months of this transition, and ensure that whenever possible a parent's transportation needs are happily addressed!

The Resistant Parent

There are times when regardless of a child's planning, factual observations and effort of a parent just refuses to listen to truthful, logical and thoughtful conversations, and places their desires ahead everyone's safety.

Unfortunately, in this case after all other methods have been exhausted, the child needs to be equally resistant and take the upper hand to ensure their parent is no longer driving.

Sadly, this may result in some deception with a parent; however, in this case, in my opinion, the end does justify the means. These tactics can include:

• Hide the car keys

• Have a relative borrow the car

• Take the car in for repairs (extend timing due to part availability)

• As last resort, anonymously report parent to DMV

While this is by no means an exhaustive summary of the issues and steps to address a parent's inability to be safe on the road, it does provide the steps to effectively have this discussion with a parent. 

Finally, there are words I strongly believe elderly children should remove from their vocabulary, that is...Taking Away a Parent's Car Keys!  Lose it, because this mindset will put you on a counterproductive conversation path. If you reach out your hand and respectfully address a very difficult emotional topic, it will give you the best chance for a parent to enjoy riding in the passenger's seat!

Help yourself. Help others.