Care for Millions. Start with You!

Yesterday, I was reading a new AARP report Valuing the Invaluable 2023 Update: Strengthening Supports for Family Caregivers focused on helping support the family caregiver community, which provides a good review of the overall contribution family caregivers deliver to society and the types of federal and state government family caregiver support programs that are active and being considered. The encouraging message is that family caregiver needs are on the radar of our governments. I recommend you take time to review this information.

Importantly, this report reinforces the incredible contribution family caregivers make to society, in addition to the unselfish care they deliver to loved ones.  Our government owes the family caregiver community a lot more than a big debt of gratitude. Let me tell you why I feel so strongly about this.

The AARP report "estimates that the economic value of family caregiving is $600 billion as of 2021, based on about 38 million caregivers providing an average of 18 hours of care per week for a total of 36 billion hours of care, at an average value of $16.59 per hour. Now, to provide some perspective during the same time the government spent $854 billion on Medicare. Think of the services you are delivering to society at virtually no cost to the government".  It is only fair that our politicians make sure they are supporting YOUR NEEDS!

It is great, as the report suggests, that family caregiver needs are definitely being addressed by our government.  However, when it comes to your current health and quality-of-life, you have to be your own advocate and make it happen NOW!

As you know, few of us ever think about being a family caregiver before the need actually arises. Acquiring the family caregiver title can happen suddenly, without a playbook or training.  And, life as we knew it, before we took on family caregiving responsibilities, is certainly not the same especially within the early stages of our new role.  Within the report, there are several stories under In their Own Words sections that convey a range of situations family caregivers face on a daily basis, and I’m certain these stories will resonate with you.

Like I said earlier, when we become family caregivers, it doesn't come with a playbook, or training.  Over the last two decades that I have been working with the family caregiver community, these are some of the best practices and tools that I have found that can make a positive difference in your day-to-day life experience immediately. 

Control Only What You Can, and Move On.

Revise your concept of control, because it’s fleeting at best. What we do have absolute control over are our thoughts and the meaning we give to situations. Managing our perception of a situation makes it a lot less stressful to work through.

You Are Not Alone, So Don’t Be.

As family caregiver, there are times when it is easier to withdraw into yourself rather than reaching out to others. This has been an issue with me for many years.  In an effort to address this, I decided to see someone professionally. I still remember her exact words, “You may not want to reach out, but take the first step and let people reach in.” If they are interested enough to reach in to you, be appreciative and honest with the way you feel. This new mindset helped me re-engage and “connect.” This has been a big help on many levels.

Practice Self-Compassion. 

All of us need a big dose of this.  Think of the inner dialogue and the shouldofs we deal with daily. Thoughts including:  "I am not spending enough time with Mom", "I should not have lost my patience when Dad called me at my office for the 6th time today", " I should have shopped for my parents tonight and not had dinner with friends", etc. Over the years, this negative self-talk can become part of our ongoing inner conversation.

When this happens, ask yourself…If a friend was telling you this what advice would you give? Stop beating yourself up, and focus on feeling good about what you’re doing and who you are. 

Knowledge Delivers Confidence.

A critical family caregiver role is being your loved one’s strongest health advocate, and the best way to do this is to learn all you can about their health situation. 

Today’s medical community respects and appreciate a family caregiver’s role. They understand that no one has better day-to-day insights into what your loved one is experiencing than you—and in fact, they may very well defer to your observations before developing treatment next steps. 

Practice “Me Time.” Reduce Stress.

“I am the primary family caregiver, and it’s solely my responsibility to get things done.” This mindset is a ticket to caregiver burnout. We all need quality “Me Time!”

Earlier I mentioned the importance of letting people reach in. It’s equally important to reach out and ask for help when you need it. You will be amazed at the size of your potential support community…family members, close friends, support group members, members of your place of worship, and even for-pay non-medical caregiver respite resources. 

When in the throes of family caregiving, I can say with complete certainty it is a must to carve out time each day to do those activities that bring joy into your life. This doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you a better family caregiver. 

Regardless of where you are in your family caregiving journey, I hope by now you are aware of the herculean role you play in the life of your loved one and in our society. However, the greatest role you need to embrace is being your strongest emotional and physical health advocate, and making this your top priority. As the AARP report indicates, today your self-care is the one support resource you can depend and count on!

Help yourself. Help others.