Don’t Let Your “But” Get in Your Way
When I was a kid and my parents were telling me to do something or letting me know their intolerance for more discussion on a matter was running thin, they would sternly say just please do it and I don’t want to hear any ifs, ands or buts about it! Hey gang, sound familiar?
Of course, the smart and easy thing for me was to just accept the order, and do it. However, to young Victor there was principle involved and therefore my opinion had to be heard. This usually began with …BUT Dad. Unfortunately, for me, depending on the issue and the amount of time I was haranguing my parents, the “but” that was going to receive the most immediate attention could very well be a “butt” of a different kind. Yikes!
Although, as a kid, the word but may be an opening salvo to me challenging my parents, it served as a positive action for my spirit. Yet, as an adult and especially a family caregiver, my use of the word but has gone from creating an action to being the beginning to an inaction that can ultimately lead to regret.
Over my two decades as an active family caregiver, I have to admit I've had my share of self-reflections from second guessing outcomes either from actions taken, or inactions. This has led to negative self-talk and regrets. And, let's agree on one thing, according to psychologists and studies, regret is one of the most difficult emotions we can encounter. In addition to terrible self-judgement, regret can also lead to shame, which is a bad emotional combination!
I was recently reading about the type of behaviors that are catalysts for feeling personal regret. Interestingly, what I found is our regrets are not nearly as profound from the actions we have taken that didn't deliver the desired results, instead deep regret was more experienced by an inaction, not taking the step that could lead to a positive experience or result we desired.
Sadly, over the years, I have heard many family caregiver stories that share a common message, such as "We really wanted to do XYZ but in the end the believed emotional pain I (the family caregiver) was feeling from fear or uncertainty, gripped me more than the possible pleasure I may experience from going forward".
As you can imagine, there are many situations that fit this story framework. Let me share one of my pain/pleasure stories with you...In 2002, my wife, Jill, was diagnosed with a neurological condition. Jill had to be watched, but travel and many other activities were not a concern. Over the years, Jill (and I) really wanted to go on a safari. We talked and got excited about it, yet as planning proceeded the word but always seemed to disrupt my thoughts of joy, and began replacing them with thoughts of concern and fear. My inner voice flooded me with questions such as, this will be great, but was the trip too long and rigorous? Being in these isolated and beautiful camps will be a spectacular but will being away from populated areas with quick access to good medical be safe and on and on.
Flash-forward several years and due to a complication from a medical treatment, Jill's vision unexpectedly became seriously impaired. Now, with this new medical situation, you can imagine how experiencing a safari would be significantly changed and not for the better. And with this, the feelings of personal guilt pounded me. I felt completely responsible (In this case I was!!) for allowing the cautionary but lead me to inaction rather than a consideration to be aware of and remedied before moving forward.
Yes, in hindsight, as they say, I "shoulda" all over myself for how I handled this situation, but I rather focus on the lessons learned:
We only go around once in this world. If something is important to you, your loved one and family, don't focus on life's hurdles, instead imagine the feelings experienced from the experience and create a solution to achieve it.
Make certain the word but becomes an alert for an action, and not more of a deterrent. When but arises look into your thoughts, or words and use it as a starting point to evaluate the situation and determine the desired end result.
Unlike my behavior during our safari planning process, do not be so damn insular. Keep the communications open and honest, and make a family decision together. As a family caregiver, don't put it all on your shoulders. If you do, it can easily communicate the wrong message, allowing others to feel unheard and left out.
As family caregivers, we know we have a lot going on. We should use all available folks and tools to make the best decisions possible for all involved parties. And gang, from the bottom of my heart, and please believe me, because there are no ifs, ands, or buts about this!
Help yourself. Help others.
