Listen to This. Really!!
As family caregivers, communication is one of the key ingredients to reducing stressful situations with your loved one, family members and close friends. Most of the time, when we think about effectively communicating, we may make the mistake thinking it's all about openly talking with others; however, the truth is the best communication begins with effective listening.
Let me start by sadly admitting, although I thought I was a good listener the truth is I was probably listening more to myself instead of the other person (Just ask my mom, Vivian, about this. On second thought, please don't!). I realized a lot of the listening I was doing was really not listening much at all. Perhaps, especially early on in my family caregiving role, when trying to balance a lot of new tasks and responsibilities and being consumed with time constraints, I got into the habit of hearing what I wanted to hear or started predicting what I thought I was going to hear.
Reflecting back, I could have become what I call a non-present listener, which candidly surprised me. I believe I gradually inched my way into this habit as a family caregiver. Being a very vigilant observer, I was trying to be a step ahead of my wife's health issues, creating and evaluating "what-if" scenarios, and not really listening carefully to what was being said to me. Naturally, this is never a good practice; but as a family caregiver, it can be downright dangerous.
My lightning-bolt moment came while accompanying my wife, Jill, to a doctor's appointment. The doctor asked Jill what was going on since last seeing her. Jill carefully described, in detail, the issues affecting her. When Jill finished, her doctor responded as if he hadn't heard a word, and then went on to tell Jill what she must be experiencing! Her doctor hadn't listened to Jill’s thoughtful and personal observations, but instead, as a noted expert, was telling Jill what he felt SHE was experiencing. WTF! However, for me I sat there thinking, I may be starting down a similar listening path myself…Way to go Mr. Family Caregiver!
When we walked out of the doctor’s appointment, I knew I may be guilty of this ill-advised listening behavior. Jill and I talked, and unfortunately, I was guilty as charged, which resulted in feeling guilty as hell!
To become a more productive and empathic listener I looked into discussions and articles about listening practices and found a direction that sounded terrific for me...Enter active listening! Active listening goes beyond simply hearing the words that another person speaks, but you also work to understand the intent behind them. It requires:
Being fully present in the conversation
Asking questions to better understand underlying issues and feelings
Making good eye contact
Paying attention to non-verbal cues
Listening to understand rather than to respond
Avoiding quick to judge and immediate advice responses
If you are a good active listener, it keeps you engaged with your conversation partner. And, it makes the other person feel heard and valued, and folks you can't beat that especially as a family caregiver.
Family Caregiver Listening Caution
With so many thoughts, scenarios and what-ifs competing for attention, it’s easy to start developing automatic responses as a way of cutting to the chase. And, this extends to the listening process by building storylines and prepared responses before an actual discussion even takes place. Sound familiar?
If you are unaware this may be happening, please know these conditions are ideal for a massive disconnect that will result when non-present listening is the driving force. Family caregivers cannot afford listening gaffs. The stake for a miss can be too significant. And, the stakes from tension, due to others not feeling heard, can be too unsettling and stressful for all.
Being from the suburbs of New York City, there is a story of a visiting tourist asking a rather glib New Yorker "what is the best way to get to Carnegie Hall" to which he responds practice, practice, practice!
A word of caution and support... Effective active listening takes practice!
While you may think that you’re a good listener, perhaps your actions indicate otherwise and regardless, let's face it, like most things we can always be better. I’ve provided some simple active listening suggestions to consider before your next conversation. I guarantee, if practiced, they will make a positive difference in the way you communicate. They certainly have for me.
• Adopt the attitude that you want to take the time and thought to be an effective active listener. Value the opinions of others even when they don’t align with yours.
• When you encounter a person with a problem, don’t immediately try to solve the issue, or change their way of looking at things.
• Hear what the other person is saying, restate their points in their words, not yours.
• Ensure that everyone’s thoughts and feelings are clearly understood. Minimize defensiveness by avoiding criticism.
• Frame your thoughts and responses in the context of both sides of the discussion. Be patient enough to truly consider the other person’s position and perspective.
• Convey your respect for others thoughts and feelings while indicating your willingness to work on a solution together.
Whether with loved ones, family members, siblings, friends, doctors and healthcare providers, etc., we all have important conversations ahead of us. But by practicing active listening, we can help ensure everyone walks away feeling truly heard and appreciated with all parties acting together to solve problems, or better yet taking advantage of opportunities! And, as a result, we end up living in a state of what-is rather than what-if!
Help yourself. Help others.
