Feeling Guilt? Tell Yourself a Better Personal Story!
I have been a family caregiver for 21 years. And, if there is one emotion I have experienced, usually at the worst times, it is guilt, which is one damn complex emotion!
First, there is “healthy” and “unhealthy” guilt. Healthy guilt is an emotion that can be very constructive and help shape us as people, especially if our actions have crossed acceptable lines and we learned from our mistakes. Unhealthy Guilt, is the feeling that arises when you really didn’t do anything wrong, but still felt badly about your actions, or outcome.
As family caregivers, it is not terribly unusual to have a heap of Unhealthy Guilt, especially when you are being pulled in many different directions and trying to balance caregiving, family and friends time, work responsibilities and personal time. You can get caught up in a cycle of guilt not because you're being a jerk (Mom, no comments please!), but primarily because you're human and can't possibly be everything to everybody. Please see if any of the following situations sound familiar?
Getting short with a loved one when she/he complains about little things, like your being 15 minutes late after having driven an hour in traffic to get there. Feeling? Guilty!
After spending an unexpected inordinate amount of time caring for your loved one, you are unable to give your family the attention they desire. Feeling? Guilty!
Leaving work early and not being available to help colleagues prepare for tomorrow’s important client meeting. Feeling? Guilty!
Giving an unusually “terse” response to the doctor’s receptionist because you are waiting for over an hour and are going to be late for another meeting. Feeling? Guilty!
Getting short tempered with family because you're frustrated with the little time, if any, you have for personal joy time. Feeling? Guilty!
When discussing "the guilt" issue with fellow family caregivers, a response I often observe is frustration because, as they say...I'm doing my best, but I just don't feel it's good enough!
How we experience the situations we encounter has a lot to do with the "personal stories” we tell ourselves, which include how we should act and feel about what's going on. Unfortunately, we learn many of our personal stories as children from our parents, teachers, coaches, etc. These stories helped shape our beliefs and personal values. But who the heck ever said these stories were correct, and should be our personal stories and lifelong guides?
I will volunteer to demonstrate how a couple of my childhood-learned lessons became my personal stories, which caused issues for me as an adult family caregiver. As a kid, I was taught the importance of always "doing my best", meant always giving 100% so there would be no regrets...100% effort with no excuses became the foundation of my personal story about effort and to a degree responsibility.
Now, in hindsight I realize this personal story, combined with many challenges of family caregiving, made avoiding feeling guilty almost an impossibility. And, for me disappointment, frustration, unhappiness and, yes, guilt, very unhealthy guilt, followed.
Challenging My Personal Stories
A flaw I found in my early learned lesson, whether it was actually taught this way or my perception of what was said, I felt I had embraced an all or nothing mindset. Thankfully, as an adult, I knew I have control to determine the personal stories that fit my values and life beliefs.
I determined there was nothing wrong with "doing my best" to be a good family caregiver, family member, friend, employee and self-advocate. I was raised with this belief and valued it. However, MY personal story for “doing my best” would need to be more expansive and personally less onerous.
Going forward, I determined instead of being the only person to deliver hands-on caregiving for my loved one, which took up a huge amount of time, I now look at my role as being my loved one's family caregiving QB, meaning there were times I could oversee care from a distance versus being physically there. I was still committed to "doing my best" to deliver the best caregiving possible. I just had to find a more personally empowering way to deliver it. My new personal story was "doing my best" to accomplish my goals while leading a more balanced life.
To do this, I had to make, for me, what was a big decision...ASKING OTHERS FOR HELP! As easy as this may sound, you would be shocked how difficult this is for many family caregivers. However, once I crossed this bridge, and spoke more openly to my friends, fellow employees, etc. about the consequences I face because of the family caregiving demands, I felt more liberated. This opened up time for me to spend with family and friends, and ensured I would partake in and protect my "me" time every day.
Basically, if personal storytelling influences our beliefs and values, we need to do a reality check to ensure our stories are not fairy tales. As a family caregiver, the story you create must not only encompass concern for the one in your care, but it has to take into account a feeling of satisfaction with the other aspects of your life. Set yourself up for success, not failure in an effort to leave the unhealthy guilt behind. If there is a lesson learned it is don’t be held hostage by unhealthy guilt because if you do, you’ll never be able to create a happy ending!
Help yourself. Help others.
