The Power of Expectancy
Expectancy is a funny thing. Studies show the more we focus on a specific outcome, the more likely it is to be realized, whether positive or negative. With this understanding, the power of expectancy can be an essential mindset for family caregivers, especially when we remember we have absolute control to choose to focus our thoughts to meet our expectations.
As family caregivers, how many times are we on the receiving end of circumstances that can immediately disrupt our day-to-day lives? Yup, you're right...too many times! You know those things that are completely out of our control such as the unexpected lab results, the unscheduled doctor appointments, expectations of friends and family, and those looming feelings of uncertainty and fear.
When faced with many uncertainties, exhaustion and a chunk of anxiety can be right around the corner. If we are not careful, this can become an ideal situation to deliver those feelings of uncertainty and fear, which can help shove us into a habit of quickly turning to a negative mindset. In fact, expecting the worst can actually feel protective since it keeps us prepared for the other shoe to drop. The problem is, in many cases, the other shoe doesn’t drop, and if it does, it may very well be a different shoe than we had expected. In these situations, we can needlessly create a story that painfully burdens us for weeks, or even months at a time.
Several years ago, one of my family members was confronted with a potentially serious neurological issue. While the possible health problems were significant, there was also the “real” possibility that there was no problem. Our neurologist told us that we needed to wait three months (Yikes, three months?) before a follow-up MRI would provide a definitive answer.
Like so many caregivers, my thoughts and expectations sometimes spiraled out of control during that endless three-month wait. I pondered every negative scenario, often projecting years into the future. I became emotionally and physically drained, as the feeling of an upside drifted further and further away.
Many studies suggest our thoughts create the world in which we live, and ultimately the life we choose. You may have heard the saying, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” But it isn’t always easy to change negative thought patterns, especially if they have become your habitual default thinking.
To complete my story, I will never forget the day the doctor told us that everything was clear. We were elated, of course, but the stress and anxiety that I had become accustomed to living with didn’t simply disappear. The cycle of negativity I had endured — and perpetuated — continued after the thrill of the good news wore off.
Breaking a habit, especially an unproductive one, takes work. The following four steps helped me gain greater control over my thoughts and expectations…
1. Stop Snowballing
When negative thoughts begin to gain momentum, interrupt the pattern immediately. Think of a big red stop sign and STOP what you’re doing…literally. Take a walk, call a friend, do a chore, close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths, whatever it takes to purposefully stall the downward spiral. Remember, don't mentally bullied by your subconscious (programed) thinking because through conscious thinking you’re in control of what and how you think!
2. Search for Truths
Within every situation, there are certain undeniable truths, however, obsessing over the uncertainties is often where the dangerous negative cycle begins. Personally, I like writing down a balanced list of truths surrounding my situation — nothing but the cold hard facts. By making this “reality” checklist, you can start building a better, more manageable story. Stop jumping ahead to conclusions that are far from reality!
3. Stay in the Present
Now that you have worked to develop a more realistic understanding of your situation, stay in the present. We have a tendency to shift between reflecting on past experiences and projecting onto future ones. Neither exists in the present moment. This is something most people struggle with, but as a family caregiver it is critical to stay as present as possible, especially since this is the time you own. NOW is the only definite. Don't catastrophize!
4. Embrace a New Story
You now have the conditions for creating a new story for the situation you are dealing with. It is a story that you have built with facts — not fiction — and have developed from a position of strength not weakness. Keep this story close to you, and adjust it as new facts arise. Remember, you and only you are the author of your story!
Your thoughts help form your life expectations and path. These four steps will help you build a more positive, realistic and productive mindset, allowing you to gain control and author how you view and live your life...embracing your power of expectancy!
Help Yourself. Help Others.
