Floating on Quicksand
Ok, before I even get going, I have realized over the years that many of the scenes we have watched in Western and Action movies show people being swallowed up by quicksand or being pulled out just in the nick of time—well, let’s just say, that’s not really how quicksand works. That said, I am hopeful you’ll give me some creative latitude, and besides…I really like the title!
As family caregivers, we all know it’s not uncommon to feel like we’re slogging through quicksand. There is a loved one in need, there are things out of your control, and you are being pulled in several directions at once. On top of this, you may have a freakin’ splitting headache and your boss is being a royal pain-in-the-ass. What do I call this? Tuesday!
How many times have you heard from family and friends to make sure you do not neglect yourself when caring for a loved one? We say to ourselves, All I need to do is just wait for things to calm down, then focus on my needs. I’m telling you firsthand, with this mindset there is little chance you will not get caught in the physical and emotional quicksand. So, let’s see what you can do immediately to help yourself!
One of the things I have observed about the proverbial quicksand is that one person’s nose is another person’s knees. Some are looking for the rope to be tossed to them, while others are tossing the rope because they are only knee-deep in the slog and feel Tuesday is a great day to help a fellow family caregiver. Is there a common practice among the rope throwers that helps deliver this advantage?
Answer. They understand the practice of setting personal boundaries!
Boundaries allow some family caregivers to see the quicksand before haplessly stepping into it, adding more control to their lives. First, let’s get a common understanding of what boundaries look like. Best-selling author Nancy Levin (nancylevin.com) describes them in her book Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free as a “limit of what you will and will not do, or what you will or will not tolerate from others.” These boundaries are meant to expand, and not restrict, your life.
When thinking about boundary-setting there are four core considerations:
Making time with yourself a priority
Paying attention to the choices you make
Honoring your needs first
Removing guilt from consideration
So gang, here are eight simple steps to begin developing personal boundaries that I am certain will greatly help you, the loved one in your care, family members, and those friends close to you.
Step 1: Be Aware of Your Situation
As a family caregiver, assess how you feel day-to-day in both your caregiving role and personal life. Are you tired, edgy or even overwhelmed, and if so, why? Or, do you believe you are comfortable or maybe somewhere in between?
Step 2: Take an Inventory
In your role as a family caregiver, take an honest inventory of how you feel about your relationship with your loved one, family members and friends, and yourself. Are they too demanding, do they have respect for your needs, do you take the steps to look after your own well-being, etc? What effect, if any, is this is having on you?
Step 3: Identify Your Family Caregiver Beliefs
List your personal beliefs about the mindset and behavior a “good” family caregiver should have when caring for their loved one, in their relationship with their immediate family and meeting their individual needs. Are they realistic for your current caregiving situation?
Step 4: Define Your Ideal Family Caregiver Engagement
What do you believe a well-balanced family caregiving experience should look like? How does this compare to your current caregiving role? What is the consequence of any difference between the two?
Step 5: Identify Personal Boundary Opportunities
Based on your assessment of your situation and how you would like it to be, start by thinking about where you can draw boundaries. Is it deciding to visit your loved one once or twice a week instead of every day? Putting aside a peaceful hour for meditation or physical exercise? Having your family cook a great meal for you? Start by identifying those boundaries that will make your day-to-day life better, while not neglecting your caregiving responsibilities. The choice is yours!
Step 6: Reach Out to a Friend
Speak with a good friend about your family caregiving activities and emotions, the concerns you have, your idea of setting boundaries, specifically the boundaries you identified, and what you are seeking in your role as a family caregiver.
Step 7: Make a Plan
Once your boundaries are identified and you get the feedback you need, make a plan to integrate them into your life. Visualize what this looks and feels like. Write them down. And pay close attention to how they begin to yield great success.
Step 8: Communicate
Identifying your personal boundaries is 2/3 of the job. Helping those who will be affected by them is the other 1/3. Equally important, ask all those involved if they have boundaries that would help their quality-of-life. And, keep the lines of communications open.
Following these steps will give a healthier outlook on balancing your family caregiving role and meeting your personal needs. Remember, this is a first step in your personal boundary development. Over time, it will be important to continually evaluate your situation and make the necessary adjustments to maintain the quality-of-life you desire!
Please give yourself a wonderful gift by setting your personal boundaries. Although your caregiving needs might not change, I am certain you will not as easily feel you're slogging through the quicksand. In fact, you may even feel like you are floating on it!
Help yourself. Help others.
