The Power of a Pause
As family caregivers, there is a good chance we are familiar with the concept of snowballing. You know, those times when you begin your day with a wonderful deep breath and cup of coffee, and within an hour or two all hell has broken loose--our schedule is upside down, the loved one in our care is anything but happy and OK, the office is calling for an unexpected meeting and Aunt Martha's water heater broke.
Working with the family caregiver community for over two decades, one observation seldom changes, we all are constantly spinning our family caregiving tasks plates and making every effort to ensure none of them crash to the ground, day in and day out. Well, that is wonderful for the plates, but who is there to stop us from crashing? Who is helping us see the light at the end of our emotional tunnel? (Hint: It is a 2-letter word that begins with a U and ends with an S.)
When we experience these crazy-ass physical and emotional upheavals, I believe the following information not only helps us see a brighter light, but also provides information and tools to help us better control the dimmer switch and achieve as bright a light as we choose at that moment.
Here are three great lessons that will help support us during these times:
1. Acceptance is Essential
We basically have no control over what has happened, or is happening to our loved one. Acceptance of “what is”, albeit at times that are tough to swallow, is important if you are going to move forward. The hardest part may be quieting the negative voice in our head that can easily amplify an already challenging situation into a full-blown, self-created catastrophe. The key to acceptance is to be realistic about what is happening NOW, and not project beyond what the actual facts and conditions are. In other words, don’t be afraid to challenge the negative, self-bullying voice we are hearing!
2. Our Beliefs Matter
There is a wonderful saying: “Believe it and you will see it.” Now please understand, I am not trying to say we can will your loved one to better health. However, I am saying we actually do have control over the meaning we are giving to the situation we are immersed in. Controlling the meaning and reaction to situations we encounter is an important step in not allowing our internal anxiety to escalate.
Understand, most of us are victims of our self-limiting beliefs—those beliefs that we actually had little to do with since most were established during childhood. Yet, they constrain us in some way nearly every day. That said, let's evolve to a new term called self-freeing beliefs, which refers to beliefs that actually empower us. I love this because it truly addresses a mindset that can make a powerful difference in how we view and evaluate our situations.
For instance, as a family caregiver, a self-limiting belief may be our inner voice telling us that in order to be a responsible caregiver, we need to always be there for our mother, or else her health will deteriorate. Conversely, the voice of a self-freeing belief can tell us that our mother’s well-being is an important priority, but we also need to pay attention to our personal priorities in order to live the balanced life we desire, need and yes, deserve!
3. Perception is a Biggie
When trying to better understand why some people are more resilient (meaning they recover more quickly from difficult situations than others), Dr. Martin Seligman, Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and founding father of Positive Psychology, believes it has to do with the perceptions we have about the events we are experiencing. These perceptions are similar to the notions of self-limiting versus self-freeing beliefs discussed above.
Seligman, suggests that our ability to deal with setbacks is determined by 3 P’s: personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence (see explanations below). To better frame the conditions we are dealing with, Seligman’s 3P’s create a wonderful pause button that helps illuminate how we may be falsely thinking about the situation and our feelings when dealing with the health difficulties of a loved one and demands of those around us. Here are the 3 P’s:
Personalization: The belief that we are at fault.
Pervasiveness: The belief that an event will affect all areas of our life.
Permanence: The belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.
Please re-read these three perceptions. Now, isn't it easy to recognize how hard it would be to see the light if we don't authentically test these perceptions against our actual situation.
Research shows the people who can take a step back, become more clear-eyed about their circumstances and respond (versus react) to them are more resilient during difficult times. Conversely, if we believe how we feel in this moment is how we will always feel, there is a very good chance we'll get trapped in a dark place, making hope for a better tomorrow very hard to see.
The truth is tomorrow is a new day, and even if we are standing in the middle of a storm today, we can rest assure right around the corner there will be a day with plenty of sun and blue skies.
So, gang, we can either remain steadfast in our belief that the situation we are experiencing and the feelings we currently have will be there for a long, long time, or we can hit the “pause button”, challenge our self-limiting beliefs, review the 3 P's and experience the feeling of opportunity we so deserve!
Is this an easy undertaking? No! Is it imperative for our physical and emotional well-being? Absolutely yes! With practice will it get easier over time? Without a doubt!
Enjoy the process of grabbing the control you have in your life!
Help yourself. Help others.
